Ravings of an Insane Asian

So this #stopkony stuff is taking the internets by storm… someone posted something to facebook which made me sad, and I replied. D:

[Square brackets = annotated author’s notes (mine) since it’s my fucking story. Anyway, this story was written for a grade 9 English assignment, I’m posting this because it’s Christmas related!] 

Title: Damn you, Japanese Automakers!

The coldest day I have ever experienced involved losing 18 out of 20 of my digits to severe frostbite. It also involved losing my house, my kids, and most importantly, my beloved Playstation 3. What can I look forward to at the end of the day when my video gaming console has fluttered away from me like a flock of birds? Maybe I will seek solace by sharing my story and hope someone will pity my soul, or amputees or other failures of life will feel empathetic towards me. Regardless of how society will react, I will share my story to a certain audience that would never judge me: this piece of paper [well I guess it’s my fucking computer screen in this case]. 

December 25th 2009, I was leaving work early at 2:00 pm sharp to be with my family on a wonderful Christmas Day (I’m sure having two beautiful children and a loving, very loving rather if you know what I mean, wife have something to do with it), as I was passing through the halls, I heard weather warning after weather warning, but I wasn’t scared; my Acura MDX had four-wheel drive. I exited the solid metal door and was slapped in the face with a blizzard, even by the standards of a Canadian winter there was too much snow. Snow was piling and piling, the parking lot of the Scotiabank where I worked had hills of snow; some steps literally sank me in waist-deep! The worst part was not the inconvenience of walking through these miniature mountains of snow, but the fact that it was so god damn cold. After what felt like hours, though my Rolex told me it had only been five minutes, twenty seconds, I arrived safely inside of my SUV with its life-saving heated seats, climate control, massaging apparatus and other assorted amenities. I started the car and cranked the heat to max and was met with invigoration. I sat back and decided to read a few emails on my phone while I enjoyed the fiery warmth and comfort of my luxury vehicle. I got through my third when I received a call of from my wife, she asked when I would be coming home and I told her I’d be back soon. We were in the middle of saying our goodbyes, when my Blackberry died quite spontaneously, odd. Then, quite ominously, my Japanese made Acura MDX made some grinding noises under the hood and proceeded  in stuttering to a stop. Automatically, I tried to start my car again. And again. And again. No use. Five minutes had passed, the tantalizing warmth that only a few moments prior enveloped my body with blankets of bliss began to fade away. What the hell was going on?

The cold was beginning to creep in again, steadily and eerily. I decided it was time to ask for assistance so I reached for and tugged on the door handle. The door would not open. My door must have somehow frozen over from the outside. I tried a different door, no use. I tried to escape through the rear, no use. I was out of ideas, so I sat, and I sat. Freezing I was, with nothing in my car to keep me warm. I was starting to feel tired, then drowsy, and eventually I dozed off. I awoke into a hospital bed, in a delirium filled fit I rose from my bed and frantically started having a nervous breakdown, calling out, “What day is it?” “Where’s Christmas?” “Where’s Santa? Where’s Jesus?” My soon-to-be ex-wife was at my side, so too were my offspring. 

My wife said that inclement weather was no excuse for missing Christmas as it was the single most important day of the year for families to share together. She then told me she was filing for divorce, and that I would never see my kids again. She was taking my PS3 with her, in hopes that I could be a better father to any future progeny. What kind of woman would want to be with a guy rendered as hideous as I? I had been reduced to a thumb on each hand, and no digits on my feet. My nose, ears and parts of my cheeks are now plastered in a white crusty substance that looks and feels like aged white-out [no, it wasn’t fucking semen]. What kind of sane woman could be attracted to me, a creature of Frankenstein?

 On the coldest day of my life, I was irreversibly physically and mentally amputated. There will be no chance for me to get my self-esteem back, and parts of me will be lost forever, be wary of weather, and more wary of women.

Happy Holidays!!!!